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It might be cheating IF ...
Greetings. Yes, its that time again. Time for another tongue in cheek, sort of, thread. [to ease the burden of other Chessers, who also find they live in "interesting" times]. Having just survived, after all else of this wondrous year, a 3 day bout of food poisoning, and discovering - I still HAVE a HEAD, which does sport a cheek, and contains therein a tongue ... well enough anatomy. Lets just say, after such an event, I feel FUNNY. In most of the 32 meanings, no doubt. Even semi-coherent, tho probably still lacking speling skills; But even so ...
I want to see if anyone else is Feeling Funny, In the Foxworthy Spirit, so the question is THEY MIGHT BE CHEATING IF:
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You've just played thru 25 moves of Lopez theory, and they don't know the sub-variation, or even enough to fudge the Answer by saying "Ruy"!?
Your black in a Ruy blitz and just played the traditional error of ...g5 instead of ....b5 and their move instantaneouly appears followed by a muffled "click" noise, which you discover is the sound of your mouse click from your move, finally reaching your ear.
After adding oxygen to their fuel, you discover ... Oh sorry, wrong sport. Like the newsman said, 'This ain't the WWF' either! Whatever That Means?!!?
But with that I'm out of fuel, and hoping someone else out there will be better gassed. How bout it chiliman, you got somethin for us? Anyone!? Help chase the great Funks away, be they green or blue ...
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He gets up after every move for a "smoke break", even though he's ten years old.
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He talks to himself in the restroom.
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...there's an audience member frantically signalling "steal third base" after you hang a pawn ...
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...the losing player insisted the blunder was owning to a malfunctioning microreceiver embedding behind his ear by alien intelligences only he could communicate with capable destroying the planet if he didn't comply to their demands...
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a)you admit to knowing the whereabouts of the toilet facilities in the building you happen to find yourself in. OR
b)you acknowledge the fact that you indeed do know what a bathroom is, while at the same time entertained the thought of actually paying it a visit. OR
c)You went to the length of actually visiting the bathroom, unattended, neglecting the need for a complete electric device rectal scan previous to this visit.
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THEY MIGHT BE CHEATING IF...
...they bring a dual-core CPU, 2GB memory laptop with them to the game.
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...they refuse to honor a timeout because the clock "crashed."
...they only make a move after staring at the board from directly above.
...after winning a pawn, they say under their breath "Yeah, +1.2 baby!"
55 ( +1 | -1 )
It might be cheating ...
... if that .357 Magnum he's just laid down beside the board means anything ...
... if your Queen's Rook seems to have gone AWOL ...
... if that pile of tobacco ash in his tray looks a bit tall ...
... if that spectator's ocular tic is really winking in Morse code ...
... if those mutterings under his breath is some sort of incantation or invocation ...
... if he's written 1-0 on his score sheet before a move has even been played ...
... if you've spotted him before the round slipping the tournament director a fifth of single malt ...
... if you're losing ...
63 ( +1 | -1 )
What a humorous thread!
It may be cheating if: every time it's his turn a P.A Announcer says something like Mr. Bishop, please move to Room B5.
His hand is one millimeter from a piece just as your hand lets go.
You've made an O.K move and he says Out of the 1,600 combinations, that was the 8,579 th best.
For some unknown reason, he mutters "must charge the battery"
He has sixteen supporters with posters of the pieces and when it is his turn, strangely only one supporter waves his poster.
If you try to offer a draw, he says "Not likely! I can win in 44 moves, starting with 61. Qe7! and so forth.
The adjuticator coughs a large number of times on his turn.
His name is "ChessBase Ultra Chessplayer +"
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...if your opponent keeps saying "Look at that" as she points behind you.
...if you find yourself in check from two bishops simultaneously.
...your opponent holds his hand out to the player next to him and says "two knights for mate!"
...your opponent calls "touch move" after an "innocent third party" knocks your arm into the board as he goes to the restroom.
...your opponent keeps cupping a hand to his ear.
...the board beeps every time you move a piece.
... the adjudicator gives your opponent a new glass of water and coaster after each of your moves.
19 ( +1 | -1 )
It might be cheating if...
Your opponent generously buys you a double scotch while himself only drinking beer.
Iíve been the victim of such deplorable behaviour in the past, but I let him off as I was broke at the time.
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It might be cheating...
...if you find your groin area in pain.
...if the board comes crashing down on your face.
...if your opponent screams "exclamation mark!" after his move.
...if your opponent's good luck dollar mysteriously disappears.
...if the wind tips your king over.
...if you have an uncontrollable urge to go to the bathroom every 2 minutes.
...if you hear the door lock behind you.
...if you start seeing stains of red on the chessboard.
...if Danailov starts laughing maniacally.
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I might be cheating ...
... if your king has been superglued to e1 (or e8)...
... if your king's bishop has been liberally coated with treacle, axle grease or any other viscous, tacky or slimy substance ...
... if the night before the game I invited you to a series of games in which the knights and bishops exchange starting positions AND MOVES ... (This one has been done, though I gather no such malice aforethought was intended at the time)
... if all my pieces are placed in the corners of their respective squares, touching the two adjacent sides, the corners seemingly chosen at random ... (Try it! You'll drive your opponent and yourself nuts)
... if in my move the button on my side of the chess clock gradually subsides to stop my clock and start yours ...
... if my side of the clock is so overwound that when started it runs for a few seconds then stops ...
... if I'm winning ...
47 ( +1 | -1 )
It might be cheating if....
...you hear a crackling sound in the air every time you reach for your metallic queen...
...there is an industrial sized fan pointed at your side of the board...
...your opponent has a big red button on her side of the table, and you don't...
...there is an intercom announcement every time it is your move...
...your opponent has buff cheerleaders in tight clothing chanting "a pawn, a pawn, about to hang a pawn, whooh!"...
...your opponents pieces are Staunton, yours are Klingon.
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if your opponents keeps farting like hell and you cant think straight.
if your opponent starts opening her bra.
if somebody yells FIRE everytime you win.
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he declares you know (your or his, who knows) a mother with works "You're motherf***er!"
2 ( +1 | -1 )
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After a dozen games of aggressive thrusts and piece dropping your opponent suddenly embarks upon a newer, more difficult strategy of establishing a central bind that comes within a tempo of success against an opponent who has played master class events ....
yet computers DONT do that.... and you wonder, who's the new player?! }B-D
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Your opponent opens with 1. QxK mate.
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How World Champs dealt with cheaters
I couldn't resist posting this again:)
Capablanca used to tell this story to friends.
"I was playing in a tournament in Germany one year when a man approached me. Thinking he just wanted an autograph, I reached for my pen, when the man made a startling announcement. 'I've solved chess!' I sensibly started to back away, in case the man was dangerous as well as insane, but the man continued: 'I'll bet you 50 marks that if you come back to my hotel room I can prove it to you.' Well, 50 marks was 50 marks, so I humored the fellow and accompanied him to his room."
"Back at the room, we sat down at his chess board. 'I've worked it all out, white mates in 12 no matter what.' I played black, perhaps a bit incautiously, but I found to my horror that white's pieces coordinated very strangely, and that I was going to be mated on the 12th move!"
"I tried again, and I played a completely different opening that couldn't possibly result in such a position, but after a series of very queer-looking moves, once again I found my king surrounded, with mate to fall on the 12th move. I asked the man to wait while I ran downstairs and fetched Emmanuel Lasker, who was world champion before me. He was extremely skeptical, but agreed to at least come and play. Along the way we snagged Alekhine, who was then world champion, and the three of us ran back up to the room."
"Lasker took no chances, but played as cautiously as could be, yet after a bizarre, pointless-looking series of maneuvers, found himself hemmed in a mating net from which there was no escape. Alekhine tried his hand, too, but all to no avail."
"It was awful! Here we were, the finest players in the world, men who had devoted our very lives to the game, and it was all over! The tournaments, the matches, everything - chess had been solved, white wins."
About this time Capa's friends would break in, saying "Wait a minute, I never heard anything about all this! What happened?"
"Why, we killed him, of course."
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"...we killed him ..."
...as you would!
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it might be cheating if
* your opponents chess pieces have retractable wheels and antennae
* the head of your opponents queen is actually a miniature flying saucer that intermittently launches itself, hovers over the game with blinking lights and then returns to the top of the queen
* the jaw of your opponents bishop drops open to release miniature robots with ray guns that vaporise your chess pieces