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Kasparov Chess

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kestutis 22 ( +1 | -1 )
Chess jokes How about some jokes related to chess?

I found one that made me laugh outloud:

"So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov - Problem was, we had a checkered tablecloth and it took him two hours to pass the salt!"
chessnovice 35 ( +1 | -1 )
always been my favorite A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
taufiq 66 ( +1 | -1 )
... A chess master died at his chessboard - and after a few days, a good friend of his heard a voice; it was him!

"What's it like, where you are now," he asked.

"What do you want to hear first, the good news or the bad news?"

"Tell me the good news first."

"Well, it's really heaven here. There are chess tournaments with incredible classical, rapids and blitz sessions going on all the time 24/7 with Morphy, Stenitz, Pillsbury, Dr. Lasker, Capablanca, Alekhine, Dr. Euwe, Botvinnik, Bronstein, Tal, Petrosian, they're all here, and you can play any one of them at anytime."

"Fantastic!" the friend said, "so what is the bad news?"

"You have Black against Capablanca on Saturday."
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akisame 9 ( +1 | -1 )
. . . Beating your friend at chess - fun.

Beating Chewbacca at chess - wookie mistake.
akisame 133 ( +1 | -1 )
. . . A seaside town was hosting a world caliber chess tournament. Two days into the tournament, one of the competitors, finished with his game, decides to go for a swim. After a few minutes, he is heard crying out; it is discovered that a shark has taken a bite out of his leg. Everyone is alarmed, but assurances are given that the shark will be found, and it was after all small bite.

The next day another tournament player goes swimming, and his leg also has a bite taken out of it. Same thing the third day. Strangely, though there are other people at the beach, it is only the chess players that are being nibbled.

In an effort to assure the public and keep the tournament from collapsing, a strong net is placed around the beach and the queen is asked if she can intervene. "It is well known that you play chess, your Majesty. There is a protective net up now, and if you can swim safely, then the players will be reassured and the people can feel comfortable on our beaches again. The queen agrees, and goes for a quick swim. She has been out for only a minute when she yelps. She is quickly pulled out of the water, and her leg inspected. Lo and behold, another shark bite. This time however, it appears the shark dd not remove any flesh. The public is told tha queen has emerged in one piece.

The tabloids cannot resist the story.
The next day's headlines read "Queen's gam bit, declined."
ionadowman 90 ( +1 | -1 )
The rivalry... ... between Aleksandr Alekhine and Efim Bogoljobov was as intense as any the chessboard had seen, and the vitriol was never far from the surface. Finally, in exasperation, Alekhine told this story:
"Last night, I had a dream... I dreamed I had died, and was wafted to the gates of heaven. There I stood at the Pearly Gates accosted by St Peter, who asked my who I was.
Says I, 'I am Aleksandr Aleksandrovitch Alekhine, Chess Champion of the World!'
'Chess Champion!" says St Peter, "We don't allow chess players to enter the Kingdom of Heaven! To the nether place you must go!'
Well, feeling disconsolate, I was about to turn away, when who should drift by but Bogoljobov, complete with angel wings and halo, plinking a harp and floating on a cloud.
'Hang on a moment!" says I, "What about Bogoljubov here? He's a chess player and you let him in!'
'Bogojubov a chess player?" quoth the Saintly Doorkeeper,
'Nah! He just thinks he is!' "

More: Chess
tag1153 183 ( +1 | -1 )
as told by Capablanca
"I was playing in a tournament in Germany one year when a man approached me. Thinking he just wanted an autograph, I reached for my pen, when the man made a startling announcement. 'I've solved chess!' I sensibly started to back away, in case the man was dangerous as well as insane, but the man continued: 'I'll bet you 50 marks that if you come back to my hotel room I can prove it to you.' Well, 50 marks was 50 marks, so I humored the fellow and accompanied him to his room."

"Back at the room, we sat down at his chess board. 'I've worked it all out, white mates in 12 no matter what.' I played black with perhaps a bit incautiously, but I found to my horror that white's pieces coordinated very strangely, and that I was going to be mated on the 12th move!"

"I tried again, and I played a completely different opening that couldn't possibly result in such a position, but after a series of very queer-looking moves, once again I found my king surrounded, with mate to fall on the 12th move. I asked the man to wait while I ran downstairs and fetched Emmanuel Lasker, who was world champion before me. He was extremely skeptical, but agreed to at least come and play. Along the way we snagged Alekhine, who was then world champion, and the three of us ran back up to the room."

"Lasker took no chances, but played as cautiously as could be, yet after a bizarre, pointless-looking series of maneuvers, found himself hemmed in a mating net from which there was no escape. Alekhine tried his hand, too, but all to no avail."

"It was awful! Here we were, the finest players in the world, men who had devoted our very lives to the game, and it was all over! The tournaments, the matches, everything - chess had been solved, white wins."

About this time Capa's friends would break in, saying "Wait a minute, I never heard anything about all this! What happened?"

"Why, we killed him, of course."
caro-kann 113 ( +1 | -1 )
A horrible joke ;) One weekend, a major chess tournament was held between lots of players. Each player played 4 games against everyone else in their group, then the winners of each group would do the same against each other. In the final match, the winner easily defeated the loser 4-0. However, this sort of tournament takes a long time, and goes from morning to afternoon. Lunch is served between games.

The press come in to congratulate the winner and to interview him. The first few questions go along swimmingly, however, the next question is not fully heard. The winner's reply is though :

I started out with two Fried Livers - really robust, strong openers - even I was surprised at my own audacity to try it. In the middle, I had a nice King's Indian - every piece complemented each other thorougly, with lots of depth in the preparation - a true flash of brilliance. To finish it off, I decided on the Danish. It was an interesting thing - the many layers and discoveries that were made. It was a sweet ending.

To answer your question, I thoroughly enjoyed that particular lunch.